It was Saturday, and I was getting dressed after my shower. As I rummaged through my underwear drawer, I had the spontaneous urge to put on something sexy. I had no intention of showing off my undergarments to my husband (sorry, dear). This was just for me. Because, sometimes it really does make a girl feel good about herself to know she is secretly wearing black lace underneath her sweatpants.
As soon as I was done getting dressed, I called to Alex to bring Emerson up for her bath. We plopped her in the tub and spent the next ten minutes smiling and applauding her splashes…until she got that look on her face. The look every parent knows—the "she's-about-to-poop face". Emerson kept standing up in the tub, trying to get out, so she could do her business elsewhere. Unfortunately, I did not read the urgency of the situation. I was almost done scrubbing her down. I can get away with another thirty seconds, right? I can get her out in time.
Just then, I saw something dark-colored rolling around on the bottom of the tub. And then another.
I was a pro at this now, though. I grabbed Emerson and wrapped her up in a towel and handed her off to Alex, who was less than pleased with his role. "You want me to just hold her? She has pieces of poop on her!"
"Relax! She's wrapped up in a towel. Just deal with it. I have work to do!"
I collected my arsenal in front of the tub—rubber gloves, non-toxic disinfectant, paper towels, sponge. A hundred de-pooping strategies swirled through my head while Alex continually suggested that I simply dump the tub water down the drain.
"I cannot do that! What is wrong with you?! There are solid poops in the water and they cannot go down the drain! Just be quiet and let me think!"
I decided to carefully pour as much of the water down the drain as I could without letting Emerson's lovely gifts seep out. Then I'd pour the rest into the toilet. This made perfect sense in my mind, but was a little difficult to execute. As I frantically tipped the baby tub back and forth, the murky water kept splashed up on me.
"Noooooo! Why?! Again?! Why must the poopy water hit me in the face every time this happens?!"
I peeled off my soiled shirt once the tub was clear. But, Alex yelled at me to take my pants off too, because he saw the poop dump all over them. So I yanked them off, revealing my black lace secret. Trying to ignore my outfit, I strapped on a pair of disposable rubber gloves, bent over the tub, and began furiously spraying disinfectant in every direction.
Alex stared at me, confused and slightly intrigued.
Alex: What is happening here? I mean….what are you wearing? Those are some pretty racy underwear.
Alexa: Yes, I am wearing sexy underwear today. It was supposed to be a secret. It's a girl thing….I didn't expect to suddenly be wearing nothing but this during family time.
Alex: I'm really confused by everything you just said, but look at you! Sexy underwear and rubber gloves, cleaning a bath tub in a very provocative position. You look like a character from a Kurt Vonnegut novel.
Alexa: Leave me alone!
Alex: The greatest part is that you left your socks on and they have giant peace signs on them. Your outfit doesn't make any sense.
Alexa: What about the fact that I'm not just wearing regular rubber gloves, but the disposable medical exam kind.
Alex: I didn't want to say, but that's kind of creepy. I'm pretty sure only perverts have a 100-count box of those at home.
Alexa:You know they are for cleaning Emerson's cloth diapers in the toilet bowl. But, you are right. They are creepy……What exactly do you think creepy people do with exam gloves? Weird kinky stuff we can't even imagine?
Alexa:This is an inappropriate conversation to have in front of Emerson. I need to get this tub clean.
Alex: Babe, please! You already sprayed that spot like four times! Can we get the baby back in the tub yet?
Alexa: No, I need to spray it again. And then I need to clean the big tub, because I poured the poopy water in there.
Alex: It's just poop!
Alexa:You take baths in there like four times a week. Doesn't bathing in Emerson's poop remnants bother you?!
Alex: No, it's just poop. People used to live in poop and they were fine.
Alexa: Why are you always referencing yesteryear? Like you know exactly what people went through in the 1600's. I'm sure they got sick, just like we get sick from accidentally eating or bathing in poop.
Alex: Actually, I know everything about the 1600's. But, we should really be talking about the 1500's and the bubonic plague. You would have hated to live through that. Think of all the germs.
Alexa: Are you kidding me right now?! I don't care about the bubonic plague, I care about the poop in my bathtub!
Alex: I need to open a window. I'm getting dizzy from all that spray. And look at your poor daughter. She keeps sneezing.
Alexa: I'm using all natural products. It's not hurting you! Stop being so dramatic!
Alex: Oh, "all natural" products, sure. What kind of "natural" chemicals are in that one?
Alexa: Actually, it's just a combination of oregano oil, rosemary and thyme because they are natural antibacterials.
Alex: Well, that explains why it smells like some strange Indian poop dish in here. It's your spicy spray.
Alexa: I'll give you that. It does smell exactly like Indian food and poop in here.
Alex: Honestly, I don't think I can ever see you in sexy underwear again. Sexy lingerie has been ruined for me. I'll always associate it with poop from now on, and poop is not sexy. Why did you have to wear that today?
Alexa: I told you! It was supposed to be a secret!
Alex: Can we please bath our child now? She is violently trying to free herself from my arms.
Alexa: Hold on….
Alex: Emerson! Stop kicking me in the balls! Babe, come on!
Alexa: Okay, fine, put her in.
This is our life.