four months of emerson

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I wanted to throw on some soothing music while Em sleeps, and noticed that I've been neglecting a playlist that is perfect for nap time. It was hidden amongst a bunch of playlists that I made for labor and birth, and have not played since then. Not realizing how emotional this was going to make me, I hit play. As the music started, so did the tears. I listened to this on repeat for many, many hours four months ago, as I waited to meet my baby girl, so when I heard the soothing sound of chimes and rainmakers today, it brought me back to that magical time, and to the moment when I finally held one of the loves of my life in my arms. Combine the music with the hundreds of images of Emerson populating my computer screen, as I attempt to cull the most special ones to share with you all (and HOW can I do that? They are all special. Sigh. Seriously. She's, like, amazing. And beautiful. And I have tears in my eyes again. You will just have to deal with being assaulted by more photos than usual, because I, personally, can't deal) and I've become an emotional mess.

When I first came home from the hospital with Emerson, I was obsessed with her birth (okay, really, I still am, but to a much lesser degree now). I flipped through the hundreds of photos of the labor and birth, stopping to gaze extra long at my favorites (one of Alex helping me through a difficult contraction, and one of the moment Em's head emerged from my body—amazing). And then there was the 5+ hours of film footage we had taken. I started watching it, totally enthralled, but then stopped after a few hours. I skipped the most exciting part of it: the birth! I won't get into the many reasons I didn't watch it back then, but I recently did watch the end….finally. 

Watching myself give birth—especially after taking a "birth break" for a couple of months—was un-be-leivable. The way I remembered it, and even the way I wrote about it in my birth story, was all wrong. Sure, the emotions of it were right on, but the way I thought I handled myself, the way I thought I pushed my child into the world, was a total misconception. I remembered being ridiculously calm, composed, strong and happy during most of my labor, but I thought that ended as soon as I fell deep into a pushing trance. But, no. From the outside, as I could see on my TV screen, I remained that way. I thought I had screamed like I was being murdered, I thought I looked like a woman who was just losing her sh*t. In reality, I looked like a woman giving birth, and beautifully so. The "noise" I had remembered emanating from my mouth was minor in comparison to my memory of it. The room was silent, calm, peaceful. It was amazing to see. And amazing to then hug my baby in real time.

Something I also noticed in my birth video was what happened after I gave birth. There is about an hour's worth of footage after the birth, during which my new baby is lying on my chest. And what I noticed was the difference in the love I expressed for that new baby. I know that I fell in love with Em somewhere around the time my belly became noticeable swollen during pregnancy. And then, when I began to feel her move within me, the love grew. As I waited for her, it grew some more. And at the moment of birth, the emotion was overwhelming. No doubt. It was the most incredible moment of my life thus far. And the love….sigh. But, to be honest, the love that fell in tears down my cheeks as I began to write this, was far more overwhelming. The way I know my baby now is the best feeling there is. There is a rhythm to our relationship…harmony…symbiosis. A deep love. That's the great thing about love: it grows. It is why we value relationships more as time goes on. And it is why I suddenly felt so blessed and excited realizing that this love and relationship I have with Emerson will continue to overwhelm me.

Being a mama is it. The "it" of life.

Emotions aside, Emerson is an incredibly vivacious little girl. The changes in her from month to month are startling. For instance, I thought she had learned how to use her hands last month….puh-lease. Girlfriend swipes everything in sight now—exciting, but sometimes dangerous. It's amazing to watch her reach out and touch the world around her, but I find her reaches toward me more precious. She will grab my face between her hands and "kiss me" (aka, put her wide open, slimy mouth on my face). When I read her books, she reaches up and places one hand on my cheek as she listens. When she's hungry, she tries to pull my bra open. When she's lying next to me in bed sleeping, she drapes one arm across my chest. It all just kills me. Kills me.

Other than the crazy use of her hands, Em has proven to be the most verbal infant I've ever known. She squeaks like a porpoise sometimes and it's my favorite. I know there are a plethora of milestones I'm forgetting to mention, but I think I've exhausted and emptied myself with the giant emotional fit I've just had in the last four paragraphs. So, I will instead assault you with an unnecessary amount of baby photos….

Oh, how I love the many faces she makes…

This is where she spends a great majority of her day.

All I think when I see the back of Emerson's head is:
DAMN. That head is wide.
And then I remember how difficult it was
to get that large head out of me.
Will I ever stop thinking that when I see my child's head?
Maybe when it's size is
hidden underneath a bunch of hair?

I love that she sucks her fingers. So. Adorable.

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