Tuesday, February 14, 2012

30 weeks

I'm the big 3-0 today….yikes! It's crazy that the last time I was a singular person, walking around without a passenger, it was the middle of the summer and now we are nearing the end of winter. It's even more crazy how much we've been through as a little family these last 30 weeks. The seasons have changed, our address has changed, jobs have changed, daily activities have changed, my body has definitely changed….all while a ball of cells took up residence in my uterus, miraculously growing into one of the loves of my life.

The day our little one's life began.

We started our hypnobirthing classes last week, which was a strange experience. I felt nervous, or like I wasn't really supposed to be there. Being pregnant is so surreal that the first time it happens to you it really is difficult to accept that it's legit. I took three pregnancy tests to confirm that it was a reality 26 weeks ago, and even after all those double lines and the two tests given to me at my midwife's office, I still didn't completely buy it until week 13 when we saw our little bouncing bean on an ultrasound. I also had this strange feeling every time I went to a prenatal appointment for the longest time, almost like I was an impostor, just some silly girl that wished she was pregnant but wasn't really. I still feel that way sometimes. Then I look down at the huge bulge in my midsection and the tiny elbows and knees that are protruding from the bulge, and I realize this might be real. It was that feeling of "this is too surreal to swallow" that left me feeling strange in our hypnobirthing class. There we were, sitting in a circle surrounded by other big bellies, swapping stories and talking about our vision for childbirth, our faithful partners by our sides, rubbing our backs and exchanging smiles with hands held above our dancing baby's womb. That's about as real as it gets. That moment triggered the shift in our attention to the reality that is quickly approaching us. 

The conversations in our household have become focused on the big day—when baby girl is going to arrive, how it's going to go down, childbirth, the adjustment to sleep deprivation and a tiny new body in our bed. We find ourselves talking through a billion scenarios, "well, if she comes early then x, y, z" and "if she waits til May then…." This conversation wasn't helped by the fact that our hypnobirthing instructor mentioned that more babies are born on the 3 days surrounding the full moon each month, a fact we became obsessed with when we got home (we were disappointed to discover that there isn't a full moon directly near baby girl's due date, she'd either be really early on April 6 or late on May 6).

Then there was our first doula appointment. We spent hours talking about different strategies and preferences, what we might do with the placenta, Alex's plan to catch our baby when she emerges, the birthing tub, how messy it's going to be, what we're going to go through in the days immediately after the birth. That long talk made things really real. Suddenly all those decisions we've discussed in theory or as if they were so far in the future, are decisions that have to be made….information we need to know….birthing techniques we need to practice. I feel my body preparing, my mind preparing, my baby preparing. I feel the strong, powerful mother inside me emerging, intensely focused and accomplishing all she needs to accomplish though the weight of her belly and her growing exhaustion do all they can to slow her down.

So, that's where I'm at. Meanwhile, all my thoughts trickle out of me at such a sluggish pace these days that I'm never quite sure if anything I've said (or, in this case, written!) makes any sense or follows any sort of direction. 

1 comment:

  1. I TOTALLY felt like an impostor too! I think its when you want it SO badly- and you finally are pregnant- something you've dreamed of forever- its so hard to believe its real- you know?


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