Tuesday, February 28, 2012

32 weeks

Baby shower repeat.
I am running really low on energy
(and clean clothes:) right now so I haven't
taken my weekly photos.

At 32 weeks I find myself…nervous. I'm sitting here on the cusp of two experiences that are so completely new and intense—childbirth and parenthood—that no amount of preparation could possibly alleviate all my nerves. Sure, I've done an insane amount of "preparation," but how can you really prepare for such things? You can't. They happen the way they're going to happen, unfolding as unique experiences that no book or class or friend who's been through it can predict with any certainty. I can visualize labor and birth all I want, but the actual sensations and emotions of that day will remain a mystery, a guess, a theory, until I'm in the thick of it. And my husband and I can daydream all day about what our little girl will be like, what our life will look like with her in it, how we will handle this enormous transition, but in the back of my head I know the reality will be much different than what I anticipate. So, I'm nervous.

I also find myself clinging to my husband in our final months as a twosome. As intensely as I already love this baby, it's hard to imagine sharing my life with more than one person. I'm so used to my husband, our dynamic, our routines, the messes he makes. I really can't wrap my brain around all of that changing. I look over my shoulder to the backseat as we drive to the grocery store and try to imagine a wiggly little person in a car seat…..I look around the restaurant on date night, trying to imagine my child sleeping in her carrier or wailing in the middle of the main course….I listen for the cries of the future that will interrupt every attempted kiss between my husband and I. Meanwhile, somewhere beyond all my nerves, there is a voice that assures me that I will be in bliss when this crazy journey finally begins. 

All I can do at this point is try to be present, to live one day at a time, which is an interesting thing to attempt when you feel stuck between two worlds.

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