Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Monday, October 17, 2011

happy anniversary to my love


Yesterday was my husband's and my first wedding anniversary so I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about marriage—something I rarely discuss (on my blog), but value so very deeply. I was somewhat afraid terrified of marriage before my husband came along, but in a conflicted way. I have always been an out-of-control romantic and would daydream about the man who would finally win my heart, but my detailed imagination seemed to keep me from ever truly letting go with a man, let alone agreeing to marry him. As the years passed and I made my way from one serious relationship to the next, I became more terrified of marriage because, while I "fell in love," none of the men I found came close to fitting into the daydream that had been evolving in my mind.


So after many failed attempts at love, I finally resolved to stay single forever rather than promise myself to the wrong man. Six months after my dramatic (but genius) dating hiatus began, I reconnected with a childhood schoolmate and my life changed. We got to know each other (again) through epic stream-of-consciousness emails, sharing our self-written poetry and music, and a level of honesty I had never known, which remains the foundation of the beautiful relationship we share today. He was the daydream I had faithfully carried around all those years, and it took a good two years of pinching myself every morning when I woke up to really "get" that this was real.


The fairytale to us means being our messy, complicated selves, and of course involves struggles and requires work just like any real relationship, but he never stops being the love of my life and we never stop choosing each other first and above all else. What used to make my chest tight and my mind panic (marriage) is now the most comforting, freeing, fulfilling experience I've ever known. Marriage is a source of strength (for me). The stability, pure acceptance and unconditional love allows me to explore myself, work through issues I never dreamed I could work through and move closer toward my true self….all while spending my life with my best friend and experiencing a love greater than anything I could've imagined.


Our real anniversary celebration will be in two weeks when we head up to Vermont for a weekend at the Stowehof (where we were married). To commemorate our anniversary last night though, my husband and I went through all of our photos from the last 3 years of our relationship. Here are some of the highlights (just a few out of the 1,000's I have on my computer:)…















L.O.V.E.

Friday, March 25, 2011

reunited


Lovers Reunited, originally uploaded by Photocritic.org.

Love this photo! The lightening and emotion are so powerful, and the slightly off-center focal point really works here. I immediately identified with this image, partly due to the fact that I've been away from my husband for a week now and am very much anticipating his return late tonight. But, the intensity in which I identify with this image goes much deeper than just a week apart.

My relationship with my husband began long distance, with me on the west coast and him on the east coast (literally on the ocean for both of us, in other words as far away as possible). Being old classmates and pen pals, we decided to have dinner when I was visiting the east coast one Christmas. We knew there was an attraction before this planned reunion, but we never considered how painful it would be to fall in love over the course of my 2-week visit and then have to say goodbye with no real "plan" for the future.



Alex drove me to the airport New Year's Day in 2008 and when he left me at the curb, the aching began in my chest. I knew at that moment that I never wanted to be separated from this man again. And my husband admits to the same aching and sadness as he drove away. We dated long-distance for 4 months and while that doesn't sound like a long time, it sure felt like an eternity at the time. It felt tragic to finally meet the person I had waited my whole life for only to have to say goodbye so quickly (which is why I moved to be with him, smile).

Long distance dating is not easy feat to tackle, but one of perks is the intensity and passion you feel every time you are reunited. What's interesting is that I never seemed to let go of that intense reunited/painful goodbye pattern. The experience of it at the very beginning of our relationship was so symbolic in that once I had found what I was looking for all my life, I was heartbroken at the thought of loosing it. I never experienced separation anxiety as a child, but now, as an adult, it seems to be ever-present (I'm hoping that will dull with time!).

Here's to lovers reuniting!

Monday, February 14, 2011

love every day




I have been preoccupied with love for as long as I can remember. For the greater portion of my life it was seemingly all I thought about. I am wildly romantic and only know how to create very intense loves.....and I've had quite a few intense relationships, but I'm not sure I was ever truly in love before Alex.

One could easily say, given my painful childhood, that I was desperate to fill the empty holes in my heart by constantly engaging in over-the-top love affairs. But, when I found my husband that story seemed less true. Surely I wanted to be loved in a way that I wasn't as a child, but "trying on" all those relationships was more about a deep sense of faith. I always believed I would find the kind of love I found in my husband. The disappointments, heartache, frustration, and loneliness that I inevitably faced throughout my love life could never shake the faith I had in finding the kind of love that changes you, the kind of love you never question.

I'm writing about this on Valentine's Day, because I am struck by how trivial the day seems to me this year. I haven't given it any thought or planned anything with my husband and both of us were almost completely unaware that the "holiday" was approaching. We will have a quiet, romantic, candle-lit night at home, but what strikes me is that that is a normal occurrence in our life, and in our relationship. Romance and expressing our love, admiration, and appreciation for one another is a daily practice that we are both extremely committed to. Surely our life isn't all candles and poetry (but there is a lot of that *smile*), and our schedules get hectic and exhausting at times, but being in love has remained the most important thing to both of us crazy romantics (yah, yah, yah, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking "wait til the kids come along" ha).

At any rate, my point is that Valentine's Day has lost its mystique and that makes me smile because I know it means that I am content and satisfied rather than what it was in the past: being totally aware of how alone I was on February 14th or being totally aware that I was using the day to try to force romance with someone that didn't fit me. So I'm feeling incredibly grateful today......and I hope you all are too!

xo

Love Will Save the Day by Field Trip


Love Shack by Whimsy Studios

Monday, January 24, 2011

hugs



One of the greatest blessings in my life is waking up to my husband's kisses all over my face. When I finally open my eyes he says "good morning, I love you!" and pulls me to my feet for a long morning hug. Like a lot of people, I hate waking up in the morning, but this ritual of ours makes the transition from night to day so sacred (and I feel so spoiled). That hug reminds me of what is important in life, and I begin my day with a foundation of love and support that I know will always be there.

I haven't always been this lucky in the affection department, but I feel almost addicted to my husband's affection. We make sure to give each other at least a few substantial, real hugs every day and doing so seems to alleviate so many of life's problems. So it made perfect sense to me when I began to read articles about the scientific effects hugs have on our bodies. Hugs send a surge of oxytocin (the feel good hormone) throughout our bodies; actually lowering stress and blood pressure, improving our mood, increasing our tolerance for pain, and increasing our trust for the person we are hugging. I hate to be cliché, but take one a day!

My wake up hug this morning led me to write this, but also led me to start mining Etsy for some hug-related items. I have struggled for years to find the perfect artwork for my bedroom walls, wanting it to feel inspirational and symbolic of the love I hope to always maintain in my life. Why hadn't I thought of it before? Hugs! The fine art prints below would be perfect! I have got to purchase one in the very near future! And, the other items are just plain adorable.



Human Nature by Kelly A Fine Art & Photography


Embrace by Kathy Marie Creations


Embrace by Jane Linders Alternative Process Photography


A Hug Lasts Forever by The Little Rice


Hugs and Kisses Pillow by Ramona Owen Designs


xo Scarf by LoopDeeDoo

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

honeymooning bliss



Galley Bay Resort in Antigua

I had a feeling my honeymoon would be fun, but I had NO idea it was going to be such a surreal state of bliss. It was incredible! I should pat myself on the back for the months of researching and hundreds (literally!) of reviews I read about different locations and resorts, because it definitely paid off! I narrowed my search down to the place with the shortest plane ride and best weather--3 hour plane ride and 85 degrees with no rain all year. And our resort, Galley Bay, was as amazing as the hundreds of rave reviews I read claimed it was!

There's really no way to share the story of a 9 day honeymoon.....the long conversations, the life planning, hashing out our parenting philosophies, inside jokes over drinks, romantic, PDA-ridden dinners, playing on the beach like children...I think this only covers about 1/4 of the experience.

Our daily routine didn't seem to alter much the entire time though: sleep in, enormous pile of pineapple and enormous omelet, beach, fresh fish lunch, more beach and/or pool, lazing on the balcony reading and writing, his and her shower (I must have this in my future home!), dress up for dinner (and watch Alex react to a different dress each night, so much fun;), tropical drinks and champagne at the teepee bar, stroll home along the beach staring at the bright Antiguan night sky.



One of the greatest things about being on your honeymoon, especially when you don't go until a few months after your wedding and you think all the fun is over, is being congratulated repeatedly. We were greeted with the best glass of champagne I've ever had in the reception area only seconds after arriving, but when we got to our room we also found this adorable hand-written note and a bottle of champagne to enjoy at our leisure....even better, another one was delivered to our doorstep the next day as well.

The best part of being congratulated in Antigua though, is that the people truly mean it. I was overwhelmed by the genuine, warm, friendly natives and our vacation was incredibly enhanced by these sweet island folks. The island culture was a beautiful and welcome change from the unfriendly extension of Manhattan that we live in.

We stayed on the top floor of this beach villa, the perfect choice so we could enjoy the privacy of our balcony....so peaceful first thing in the morning or while lounging together, listening to music and talking into the night.


Our room could not have been any better. Terra-cotta tiles to cool your hot feet, an amazingly comfortable bed, gorgeous photography on the walls, a bathroom the size of my living room and kitchen combined (with his and her showers and a hot tub, yes please!), a swanky living room and kitchenette and the breathtaking views from our balcony of the perfectly teal Caribbean waters...oh, and a tiny Christmas tree!



Here's the lovely pool that felt like lounging next to a swimming hole in the middle of a rainforest.



Three things that will forever remind me of Antigua: pineapple, coconuts and fish. I suppose it makes sense to associate tropical fruits with tropical islands, but I had no idea how insane my craving would grow each day. I seriously could not get enough pineapple or coconuts. I consumed two large plates of pineapple every day, and couldn't stop ordering the best drink I've ever had: coco locos. Mmmmm! And I have to say, fish is incredibly different when it's caught fresh every day and prepared with island sauces and herbs.


One notable experience was the couples coconut cocoon spa treatment we had in a little hut. They scrubbed us from head to toe with a coconut sugar scrub, then poured warm coconut milk over us and cocooned us in warm wraps while massaging our heads. The treatment was finished off with a couples shower and coconut oil massage. Ahhhh.....



This was a very long list of rules posted on the beach. But, I absolutely love the second to last one: "Please respect mother nature. The sea is beautiful, and powerful." Oh yes it is! It's obviously beautiful, but the waves were extremely powerful. The last two days the waves reached what I feared were tsunami levels (totally not though, haha!) and they had to make a sandbag barricade around the boardwalk to keep the waves from crashing into the restaurant....but they still crashed in. It was quite exciting and mesmerizing to watch; but I'm not going to lie, I was pretty scared. I kept having flashbacks from the movie Hereafter (with Matt Damon).


These are "tiny" waves.


There's nothing like a fruity, tropical beverage from a teepee bar right on the ocean, right? It's the picture of an island vacation and I enjoyed it far more than I anticipated. I don't even drink, but I couldn't help but indulge in yummy coco locos (coconut creme, light rum, pineapple juice). And I've never had so much champagne in my life! But, hey....it was my honeymoon:)


The best part of the trip hands down, though, were all the fun, romantic, hilarious, lively, intimate hours and days of connection I experienced with my husband. We do spend a lot of time together at home, but this was so different! We were completely removed from life and melted into one another in a new way that left us feeling more bonded than ever.....I guess you'd call that married:) At any rate, there was so much playing and laughing and uncontrollable affection and praise. Ahhh......



All in all, I came home with an endless store of memories that will make me smile for the rest of my life.

Monday, December 20, 2010

i love december 20th



Today is a very meaningful day for me: the anniversary of my first date with my husband 2 yrs ago, and the anniversary of the day he proposed to me (last year). I cannot believe it’s only been 2 years since I left behind a life of restlessness and lonely nights, but I suppose it always feels like you’ve known each other forever when you are in love with the right person. And for us, that feeling is strong because we met when we were 10 years old and our shared history allows us to weave a common strand through both our pasts, even though we were never really a part of one another's lives before we dated.
On December 20, 2009 Alex came to pick me up for our first date. I was back in Connecticut for the holidays and we had spent months writing to each other daily. I had made plans with several other guys that week (after a long, self-imposed hiatus from dating;), but by the time I crawled into my little sister’s bed the night I landed on the east coast, I knew there was only one person I wanted to see.
Alex picked me up in the middle of a snowstorm. He had driven 2 hours from Southern Connecticut to see me, and that alone spoke volumes. I stood in the middle of the street wearing a bright orange jacket, acting as a beacon of light calling out to him from under a street light in the midst of the confusing streets surrounding my sister’s apartment building. When I opened the car door and stooped to climb inside, I saw Alex’s face for the first time since I was 17. I remember it now as a clap of thunder, the universe shifting into place as I sat down next to him. I will never forget the smile on his face at that moment. Within an hour, I knew I was already falling in love.
Exactly one year later, we decided to celebrate by going out to eat at the restaurant where we first said “I love you” (only 6 days after that first date). Alex was oddly quiet all day as we watched football and the falling snow, which tipped me off a little. When we got home from dinner he made me stand in the hallway outside our apartment door. As I stood there and 15 minutes ticked by, I began to float out of my body, knowing what was about to happen was going to be too surreal to experience from the ground. When I walked into the apartment all the lights were off and there was a candlelight path on the floor leading me through 4 rooms meant to represent the 4 chambers of Alex’s and my heart. Each room had a poem Alex had written lying on the floor surrounded by tealights. And at the end of the path I found Alex behind the final door, on one knee.
Tonight we will be celebrating this anniversary while on our honeymoon! Although we'll miss being in the snow because it reminds us of that amazing time in our history, I think we'll suffice with a tiki torch lit dinner, a stroll on the beach and dancing under the stars. I feel so blessed every day that I spend with this incredible man, and I will always be grateful for this day!
Today's Etsy picks inspired by my winter engagement:
Night Snow by Mary V Fine Art Photography

Wee Round Ring Catchers by Miss Pottery
Love Without End Necklace by Luxe Adornments
Engagement Ornament by Chrissy Ann Ceramics

Friday, November 26, 2010

an intimate act



Ahhhh, the intimate act. I am a free spirit by nature, but when it comes to this act I am so free I am almost lost; passionately flinging myself into the intoxicating flow, hours passing as if they were mere moments, overwhelmed by insatiability and ecstasy. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I sometimes find it bizarre that I felt this yearning at such a young age, spending hours alone in my bedroom exploring this newfound world of mine. But, when I discovered this was an act I could share, a reciprocal volley of passion....well, I was hooked. I couldn't get enough, and could never have too many partners, although I will admit I tend to burn out on one person and move on to the next. But, I had to marry my husband because he has by far been the best I've ever had, and I never get tired of......writing with him. I fell in love with him because of his skills and ability to forever surprise me.......with his writing. Wait, what did you think I was talking about?

In all seriousness though, reciprocal writing is truly an intimate act for me. I have struggled with intimacy issues for all my life, coming from a deeply dysfunctional set of parents who couldn't have possibly modeled the necessary behaviors I would need to have working relationships. I wrestled with these issues for over a decade before I began to heal, and eventually began to trust and commit to working through my personal defects. My husband, Alex, has been the most patient and supportive individual in my life as far as that is concerned. But, it's not shocking that I was able to grow close to him and really reveal everything that lurks in my complicated soul, because we fell in love through letters before we fell in love in person. [A funny side note....before Alex, I had listed under "profession" on Facebook: professional pen pal/email therapist.]

Alex and I met when we were just 10 years old, two 5th graders who sat next to each other in our homeroom class. Our lives ran completely parallel, never crossing though, as the universe led us through the experiences, lessons, and adventures we needed in order to become perfectly suited to love and understand one another. It was then that our paths finally crossed (2 years ago). At the time I was living in San Francisco, 3,000 miles away from Alex who was in Connecticut. In a world that runs on technology, we saw each others' faces for the first time in a decade when we became friends on Facebook. It's difficult to explain why or how it all happened, because it was really a cosmic explosion....two passionate writers with similar interests and complicated minds that require an equally complicated mind in order to dance.

We spent hours every day writing back and forth to one another, feeling comfortable talking about all the things that often go unspoken. Given the physical distance and the safety both of us find in writing (as opposed to face-to-face), we were able to let go completely. It was a relationship that seemed devoid of the question "where is this going?" But, it was the one relationship, for both of us, that had a destination. Those months of writing were the foreplay to a love and friendship that sparkles in a way that is evident to all who witness it.

It comes as no surprise that Alex and I are now writing a book together. So far it has been an incredible experience sharing that passion with someone I am so passionate about. Our writing dates are my favorite part of the week! Perhaps I will share some excerpts at some point, little teasers from what I hope will be a successful book. It's an entertaining combination of humor and emotion. Stay tuned for more about our project...


Monday, November 8, 2010

artists need love



"One of our chief needs as creative beings is support. Unfortunately, this can be hard to come by. Ideally, we would be nurtured and encouraged first by our nuclear family and then by ever-widening circles of friends, teachers, well-wishers. As young artists, we need and want to be acknowledged for our attempts and efforts as well as for our achievements and triumphs. Unfortunately, many artists never receive this critical early encouragement. As a result, they may not know they are artists at all."

an excerpt from: Artist's Way by Julia Cameron

Something I often think about when in the presence of a child who is showered with love and support by their mother (or father), is that their true self will blossom more naturally and their true destiny in life will be found with greater ease. I can pick those children out of a crowd sometimes--they have an aura of peace about them, so much so that you can see the connection they have with their parents even when they are standing in a room all alone.

I can't say whether or not finding your purpose or calling is easier for those who end up as investment bankers, veterinarians, real estate brokers or teachers. But, from the perspective of someone such as myself, who was not born for a traditional path, it sure does seem like it would be easier to arrive at those destinations than to struggle through the passionate fire churning inside yourself, aching to be expressed yet not providing you with an answer to the question that is asked all-too-often: how do you make a living?

Perhaps my theory about those children who have been loved exactly the way they are and have been supported in all their endeavors, applies to everyone; perhaps even accountants need that type of love as children in order to become accountants. The problem I have with believing it is equally as difficult to become an accountant as it is to become a sculptor or multimedia collage extraordinaire, is that the world (parents, teachers, even peers) does not nurture and support artists the same way that they nurture and support "real careers." Some are lucky enough to have fabulous parents who make those "other" opinions feel totally irrelevant to a child, but without those fabulous parents (mentors and teachers) the road toward becoming a "creative" can be rough, winding, frustrating, confusing.....and often leads to a reoccurring doubt that we will realize our purpose in this lifetime.

I suppose this is a topic of great intensity for me given that I was never that child with the fabulous parents at home who was so confident and comfortable in the world. I have had glimmers of intense support throughout my life, but never in a consistent way as a child....so here I am, trying to figure it out....still. But, I have endless amounts of support now, as an adult, so the one thing I DO know is that I WILL figure out what my true creative purpose is. However, up until about a year ago I lived life oscillating between forcing myself to become a straight A business student, applying to law school, or working for an investment company and making sure that I live every day writing, taking pictures, painting, singing, dancing and feeling my way through to my purpose.

Life may have been different for me if I had listened to the teachers who awarded me the title of "gifted artist" and allowed me to miss math class in grammar school so that I could paint; perhaps I'd be closer to having it all figured out if I had followed my gut to art school instead of majoring in business; perhaps I could've achieved something magnificent in all the years I spent trying to be something that I am not....but, I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on all the artistic fuel that my struggle afforded me.

To all those artists out there wondering what the heck they are doing with their lives: you are on the right path, you are beautiful just the way you are and what you will contribute to humanity is so worth the struggle to find your way. I believe in you without even seeing your faces.

xo


Sunday, February 14, 2010

The one I love...

I cannot wait to marry this man in October! He makes me a better person every day by motivating me to remain just as committed to myself as I am to him. He inspires me, supports me, appreciates me, humors me and loves me like no one else on the planet can.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Wishing you all lives filled with as much love as I am blessed with.

xo